Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill: Day 40

Hell is now conveniently located in the freezer aisle.

A few things went through my mind last night as I heated up frozen pasta in my non-stick pan. Firstly, I would like to, on bended knee, kiss the diamond encrusted rings of whomever created the non-stick pan. Thank you for giving lumbering kitchen morons like myself a sense of competency. Secondly, thank you Satan for creating frozen pasta, there cannot be a better marriage of sloth and gluttony. In fact, thank you Satan for creating frozen foods - they're so damn evil I assume it's your doing...

Here's my top-five list of the vilest single-serving, gastronomic demons.

1. Aunt Jemima Scrambled Eggs and Sausages with Hash Browns


Anyone who can't take 10 minutes to scramble an egg and fry up a few sausages must be the busiest and therefore most important person on earth. I bet Batman eats these. Although, with 26 grams of saturated fat and 385 grams of cholesterol, he'll be Triple Bypass Man in no time.




2. Bob Evans Original Sausage and Biscuits

Found these crusty little nuggets in the exotic frozen food aisle of a Publix In Saaaraaasota, Flarida (spelled phonetically according to the local dialect). The first, obviously sinister clue is: the gravy is white. White like baby puke. White like the back of a dead-man's hand. White like a tapeworm. White like, well you get it, it's the kind of white that's unnatural and gross. If that's not enough to make you throw up a crucifix and yell "unclean!" then ask yourself, who is "Bob" and who is he really working for? Hungry Sarasotians? Or, the Devil?




3. Hungry Man Mexican Style Fiesta

One pound of frozen dinner flatulence. No one should be that hungry, ever. This meal is going to tear through your insides like Montezuma's revenge. But, hey, at least there's a Duncan Heinz brownie compartmentalized between your chili enchiladas and re-fried beans (I guess that's the fiesta?) Consider the mystery of what killed the Aztecs, solved.




4. Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers - Grilled Chicken Marsala

Doesn't sound so bad, does it? Well, eating one is like taking a big, healthy steamer on mother earth's chest. The amount of packaging in this single-serving meal is unusually large. There's the plastic steamer, the plastic sauce bowl and then there's the plastic cellophane. Microwave meals are wasteful, but Healthy Choice has raised the bar. Boooo! Back down to the pits of hell with you.




5. Hot Pockets Whole Grain. Three Cheese Broccoli

It's not easy to generalize frozen dinner eaters, but Hot Pocket devotees are a particular breed. Generally, they're women 35-50, single, middle management types with at least one cat named after their favourite romance novel hero. If you're one of those uber Christian types who believe homosexuals, heathen religions and universal healthcare are in league with the devil, you've got it all wrong. On the day of reckoning, the hot pocket brigade (aka Satan's private army), will rise up, tear you to pieces and use your insides for scrap booking while they watch The View and argue over who gets to devour George Clooney's soul.

I'm Bringing Sexy Bugs Back

What is it, summer 2006?

I apologize for plumbing the depths of my funny-chasm and coming back with nothing but a weak J.T. joke, but whatever, it's Monday, what have you done that's so great?

Whoops! Sorry again. Early-week-snarliness aside, I want to give a shout out to Nasty Brutish and Short - the new book from the beautiful weirdos at CBC's Quirks and Quarks. Growing up in Toronto before the internet, my family listened to a little device called the radio. It's true, the buttons and knobs confused our underdeveloped peanut brains something awful, but after a few bashes with our clubs and a frustrated chest beating or two, we would find 91.1 and listen in silent awe to the mind-bending stories, theories and facts that make up science's number one radio show, Quirks and Quarks.

Nasty, Brutish and Short is the latest addition to their growing library, and as far as I know, their first foray into insect and animal biology. The book is sectioned into a small range of topics from animal and insect sexual behavior to strange survival techniques. The first section discusses the evolutionary biology of sex and is arguably the superstar of the book. Highlights include a rinky-dink male spider with a not-so-rinky-dick, sea slug orgies (need I say more?), the answer to the age old question, "why do ducks have corkscrew penises?" And a range of wonderfully weird natural adaptions critters make to well, make whoopee; like exoskeleton body armor, grappling hooks, and even labyrintian vaginas. Basically, you don't have to be an owl to find the entire book a hoot - oh yeah, nearly every creature feature ends with a pun, some good, most bad, but entirely forgivable in a book filled with fascinating sexual and survival practices you'll never see coming. The best part -aside from the mystifying behaviors, is that the author nearly always finds the evolutionary logic behind them and explains it in a way any pop-science aficionado can easily understand. Hands down, a terrific summer read that's so painless, it hardly feels educational.

I really loved it, and like the coitus of nearly all the species in Nasty Brutish and Short, it was over far too quickly.